I would say that I am pretty confident and that I am good at not letting people’s opinions of what I do, say, or look like get to me. A lot of people see me as a strong woman who does not take any shit. And I am strong – if I look at obstacles which I have overcome, or at my academic/work accomplishments, or simply at the person I have grown up to become, then I do see a strong, kind and independent woman.
In Sweden there is a saying “att duga”, which roughly translates to “being enough”. And I have never thought I was not enough. Yet, I am only human, and at the end of the day some shit does get to me. Words of pettiness or jealousy, an evil look or a laugh in disgust, a hate letter encouraging me to kill myself. And all these things, while they do not necessarily get the best of me, they do plant a seed of doubt. Is my opinion of myself glorified? Maybe I am a slut? Maybe I am too confident for my looks? Maybe I am fat? Maybe I am boring?
And it saddens me that I allow exes, foes, people I have never met, and even boyfriends to make me feel that way. Like maybe I am not enough, like maybe they are right? And it puts me down, and I have to build myself back up, and I build a wall slightly higher than the time before, and I become cold to protect myself – the fewer people I let in, the less likelihood that I will get hurt.
But it is sad that it has to be this way. Because I know I am not alone in this. So many people, especially women, are constantly told we are not enough – by people in our surroundings, by the media, by the government etc. And it is exhausting having to be your own cheerleader all the time (and then getting more shit for actually celebrating yourself, because god forbid we should be proud of ourselves and the way we are and our accomplishments).
But in all fairness, I am proud. And I am more than enough. I bring so much to the table that I need my own.