There is a fine line between letting your guard down and keeping it up. Most people are quite good at staying somewhere in the middle, slowly letting their guard down, allowing them to love and be loved back, while still being vigilant to threats to their emotional well-being.
For me there is no in-between. For me, it is literally one or the other. Either my guard is completely up and I do not let myself feel anything for any man, or it goes right down, way too quick, often resulting in heartache. I have always tried to think of relationships and love in a logical manner – yet, we all know love is not always logical. It seldom makes any sense whatsoever to be frank. I have lately thought: “Well, if I keep my guard up, I will never be hurt by a man again.” Hence, why I got the name “Ice Queen”.
I think what it really boils down to is the question of whether you are okay with being alone. I constantly have people telling me: “You cannot keep your guard up forever, you will end up alone.” But is that really so bad? I understand that people are different, and I understand that some are completely fine being alone their whole life, while others can barely be without their partner for a day. What I have noticed about myself is that, while being alone neither makes me filled with joy, it also does not hurt me or make me upset. All relationships I have been in have resulted in me being either euphoric or upset to the point of depression. And when you have experienced that roller coaster of emotions, being alone with emotions that are balanced and constant does not seem so bad at all.
I am not saying that all relationships are like the ones I have had, and neither am I blaming the people I have been with (although some were absolute dick heads). I think it is mainly because I am quite overwhelming and intimidating to a lot of men – I speak my mind, I challenge, I have my own back financially, I have my own dreams and goals in life, and I love myself. “You act like you are fucking Kim K or Beyonce – you’re not!” – I am very aware that I am not, but just because I am not famous, or have a millions in the bank, or am flawlessly beautiful, that does not mean I cannot love, cherish and respect myself. “I come first, you come second.” And I think this is ultimately where the issue rests. Most men want a woman to put them first, their feelings, their thoughts, their careers – to understand them and where they come from. And quite frankly, while I believe in an equally supportive relationship, I will never put any of those things of a man before my own.
So perhaps I will end up alone. Perhaps I will completely change my view on this when I am older and desperately try to find a man to share the rest of my life with. But until that day comes, I am good. I am not willing to compromise my happiness for anyone. The Ice Queen saga continues…