… relationships. It is something that has really been in my head lately. I feel like I have been forced to change my views on the matter as I have seen a different side to it.
Those of you who know me know that I have not always been treated right. Now, being treated “right” differs for many. For some, it is being financially supported by a partner, being spoilt with gifts, for others, it relates to loyalty and time. Essentially, being treated “right” has to do with your standards and your values. For me, I think this started off quite high, I felt like I was being treated right and I felt loved, but through heartbreaks, cheating, lying and abuse of various kinds, somehow those standards were lowered. You think to yourself: “He is not the nicest guy in the world, but at least he isn’t a cheater like X” and in that way you become stuck in a circle of lowering your standards comparing worse with worse. And that is where I have ended up. So this last year I have actively chosen not to get in to any serious relationship, because in my head, love equals hurt and a sense of not being good enough.
A friend of mine once said something that really made an impact on me and stuck with me. She said: “You have such high standards in every aspect of your life – your friends, your career, your studies. Yet, when it comes to your own well-being in relationships, those standards are lowered drastically.” And this is true. I see myself as a strong woman who is a winner and who stands up for injustice and lift others up. Yet in relationships, that strong woman has disappeared. I have disappeared. I have become someone who is weak (although I know I am not weak). And I have hated that feeling, so I have stayed away from serious relationships and have felt happy being alone and being the strong woman I am.
Yet, lately I have experienced what it feels like to have it all. By that I mean, being the strong me, while also being able to share myself with someone else. I watched this clip yesterday of Eartha Kitt on love and compromise. She brings up the concept of compromising in a relationship and dismisses it completely. Instead she says: “I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me. And I want someone to share me, with me.” And that is how I currently feel. I am in a place, surrounded by people, who encourage my strength, who nurture my fire, and who embrace my free spirit. I feel loved, I feel appreciated. And it is so different from what I have felt before. I thought I had felt love, but now I know that whatever that was, it was simply a bypassing moment of nothingness. What I feel now, this feeling right here, is pure, it is real, and it is beautiful.
I’m basically happy af.